This review was originally published at allography on June 23rd, 2010.
Back in the day of fantastical antiquity, Greek historian Herodotus claimed he knew where cinnamon came from (the origin of the spice being a particular puzzler back then): in Arabia, there lived giant cinnamon birds that collected the spicy sticks from an unknown land and built nests out of them. Case closed.
Apparently, the cinnamon traders made this little narrative up to justify the high price of the product. This makes me happy. If you’re going to make up a story, you’ve gotta just GO for it, giant birds and all. Glorious gutsiness. East versus west (spice trade). This week’s movie: Blood Money starring Lee Van Cleef and Hong Kong action star Lieh Lo.
We all know that the ’70s was a great decade for film. Early Scorsese and Star Wars. Straw Dogs and Serpico. Godfather. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. ADRIAAAAAAAN!
A new generation of American auteurs were rising. Kubrick was still kicking. Lucas and Spielberg were busy inventing the blockbuster. Blah blah blah. Now we’re left with Jar Jar Binks, DeNiro and Pacino joylessly cashing their checks, and Leonardo DiCaprio playing hardasses.
Let’s ignore these things and celebrate true awesomeness of ‘70s cinema: spaghetti westerns and kung fu flicks. Loose plots, fast gunslinging, and fists of steel. High-energy, low-budget, un-fussy films.
I’d call Blood Money a “romp”, but I think that’s a term that made-up film critics use to describe shitty family movies starring Tim Allen. And that would severely neuter the unadulterated joy this movie gave me. So let me give you a capsule synopsis:
A thief (Lee Van Cleef) and a martial artist (Lieh Lo) track down a treasure. The treasure is of course hidden, and the clues have been tattooed on four attractive women’s asses. Our intrepid duo is being tracked by an insane preacher and a massive Native American brawler. Ass jokes abound. Lieh Lo has a crush on the final girl, and said girl has been summarily captured by the insane preacher. Lee Van Cleef wields a gatling gun in the final throwdown, and Lieh Lo beats the shit out of people. Gunfights! Kung fu stunts! Bare asses!
If you’re going to go for it, GO for it. Carlo Ponti and the Shaw Brothers went for it in this super-collaboration and the result is a shaggy, delirious mash-up of fun movie genres. There’s the old western whorehouse and the wise kung fu mentor. One hero who refuses to use guns and one who chews up the sets in a hail of bullets. As the tagline reads, “The fastest gun in the West meets the most brutal hands in the East.”
The camerawork is active. The Spanish countryside looks appropriately rugged. The plot is efficient, entertaining, and absurd. The soundtrack is jazzy and weird. The characters are outlandish. The dubbing isn’t quite synced up. In the last scene (which takes place in China), Lee Van Cleef is toted off screen on a silk-covered litter, with two Chinese men straining to keep from dropping him.
I love Pixar movies and I love James Cameron movies alike because they’re so careful. Everything is polished and honed and slotted into the film in the most precise way. That said, I love messy movies like Blood Money because of their boundless energy and desire to entertain. The early tear-jerker montage in Up and the final battle scene in Avatar are incredible in terms of design and execution, but are they more enjoyable than watching Lee Van Cleef strap a Civil War-era machine gun to a horse and storm into a fortress to rescue a girl with a map tattooed on her ass? I don’t know. That’s an unanswerable question, kind of like asking if I’d rather be Usain Bolt or LeBron James for a day. Which superhuman freak would you rather be? Would you rather be able to outrun a Prius or jump over your house? They’re both too awesome to decide.
But there’s a special pleasure in watching the Beady-Eyed King of B Westerns having a grand time in this campy mash-up. Why can’t more movies be fun without being calculating? There’s a special place in heaven for both people who laugh freely, and filmmakers who can give you a true gleeful romp. No fuss, no hip irony, no designs on your conscience or emotions. No overwhelming budgetary hubris.
So put down your 3-D glasses. Return your ticket to see Toy Story 3. Break your DVD of (500) Days of Summer (please). And wallow in the blazing pistols and fists of Blood Money. Variety is the spice of life, you know?
FADE OUT 