Where viewed: Matinee showing at the multiplex. No one else in the theater. No one. Took this rare opportunity to loudly discuss the film in progress.
Experience with film: I have a soft spot from Dracula since watching the Bela Lugosi class as a kid (“I don’t drink… wine.”) but knew virtually nothing about this until I saw it in the listing.
Writer: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Director: Gary Shore
Principal Actors: Luke Evans, a pouty Sarah Gadon, a strongly miscast Dominic Cooper
I’m not going to talk about how Vlad/Dracula’s magical powers aren’t bound by coherent rules (this type of this is a huge pet peeve of mine–here’s a look at 2010’s THE WOLFMAN for more). Nor am I going to talk about how Luke Evans seems trapped in terrible SFX/action movie purgatory (IMMORTALS, CLASH OF THE TITANS, FAST AND THE FURIOUS). Nor am I going to talk about the lame franchise-grab ending. Or even the nice little SEVENTH SEAL costume allusion. What I want to talk about is making your protagonist an imbecile so you can include action set pieces. I understand that big budget SFX/action movies need flashy set pieces because they need big trailer moments because they need to have huge opening weekends to even begin to recoup their costs. But, and maybe I’m totally batshit crazy here, I don’t think you should give those set pieces such precedence that in order to make them happen, you don’t mind making the hero of your story seem like he’s operating a nine-volt brain with a AAA battery. The setup, briefly. Vlad/Dracula makes a Faustian bargain to gain otherworldly vampiric powers so he can single-handedly save his country from the rampaging Turkish army. Important info: 1) He gets a three-day grace period in which he can use these powers without turning into a vampire if he can resist drinking human blood. 2) He can only use his powers at night. 3) When using his (essentially god-like) powers, he can lay waste to hundreds and THOUSANDS of soldiers in an incredibly brief span. 4) He can travel long distances very quickly. 5) The Turkish army is already invading his country. Let’s do some plot calculus here. Our protagonist’s goal, the sole and entire reason he risks turning vampiric, is to defeat the Turkish army and save his country. With these powers, he is an invincible, army-killing force. In a GONE GIRL-style quiz, would Vlad/Dracula then: A) as soon as he gets his powers, destroy the Turkish army, saving his country; B) as soon as he gets his powers, destroy the Turkish army, saving his country; C) kill a few guys, then lead his people on a doomed march to their cliffside fortress, pick fights with peasants, watch his buddies die, sit at the cliffside fortress awhile, squander all three nights of superpowers, then decide to attack the Turkish army when he has approximately 4 minutes of superpowers left, ensuring failure; or D) as soon as he gets his powers, destroy the Turkish army, saving his country. Obviously, he picks C)! Because he is a moron. Or, more accurately, because having a third act battle ripping off Helm’s Deep is more important than having anything make sense. This is shit. It treats the audience’s intelligence with the same disdain that it treats Vlad/Dracula’s. It insists that spectacle is the point. Not story. Not character. But worst of all, this situation is avoidable. There are other ways to back Vlad/Dracula into a corner where he has 4 minutes to try to defeat the Turkish army. Perhaps by not making his powers god-like. That’s the easiest fix. If he’s merely super-strong and needs the security of his cliffside fortress and the strength of his own people fighting with him, then it starts to make sense. If he’s invincible and just decides not to do the one single thing he set out to do, then he is a fool and why would I, as the viewer, give one spoonful of guano about him or his pain or, Bram Stoker forbid, a sequel. I don’t.
FADE OUT 